Musings on the fraility of human existence...and bones.

As a paramedic I get up close and personal with death and dying in all it's various forms. And I witness it in it's natural habitat, so to speak. BEFORE the tubes and wires and beeping machines, the sterile cot and stark white lights. I see it slumped over on the living room couch, drowning from the inside due to a tired heart, or gaze fixed to one side, mouth drooling, flat on the kitchen floor as a vessel in the brain says "Enough crack!" and bleeds into the cranial cavity. The heartbreaking dilated pupils and pale still form of a 6month old boy on a stained sofa surrounded by the toys and clutter of the siblings he won't ever get to play with, mom and dad hysterical in a cornor.

You get to learn a little about death and loss and grieving when you deal with it on a regular basis. Death has it's sweet side. The relaxed passing of the 90 year old cancer patient in his sleep, free of pain after a long life. The 86 year old dialysis patient whose spouse has passed before her and she's ready to join him. Most of the time  the "Do Not Resucitate" form is truly a Golden Ticket.

At this point, you may be wondering where "bones" fit into this little narrative. Well, how about...right here. Trauma is the other side of death that we EMS-ers (including Fire Department First Responders) see quite a bit of. You become amazed at how much the body can withstand in some cases and in others you are reminded uncomfortably of how easy it is to be broken. So, bones. Those concrete pillars of the human frame. The hardened core of our structure, protecting the brain and vital organs, giving us mobility and dexterity. Without bones, we'd be amoebas. Or sharks (if you have enough cartilage). I like bones, the skeletal system was my favorite in anatomy class, I was fascinated by the osteoblasts and osteoclasts and the intricate design of marrow and layers with openings for vessels like a hub in the center of  little bone cell cities. Bones look tough, resiliant, fashioned into weapons in some places. Yay bones!

Thats what I initially thought of bones, but slowly, insiduously, my appreciation of bones turned to one of discomfort and sometimes horror. Thats it?? That thin porceline cap is supposed to protect my brain?! Not only that, it's breakable enough to dent my brain matter, but too stubborn and unyielding to let my brain swell without injury. They drill holes in peoples skull because what seems a somewhat minor concussion leads to swelling and the stupid, stubborn skull (so easy to break!) won't budge to give the brain room. Fingers and toes we expect to break, they even look breakable, but how easy to break a wrist! Two bones, snap snap, and a floppy hand. And jaws, a big, angular, tough looking bone. I had a motorcyclist who face planted. His jaw and cheekbones were so shattered the his face slid down into his neck. Talk about a weak chin. He was completely unconscious, but somehow still breathing. Every time we tried to assist ventilations with a bag valve mask and some O2, air would blow out a hole along what was left of his jawline, spraying everyone with blood like a benevolent whale. We were all red freckled by the time we got to the hospital. His face was so mushy, we couldn't get a good seal on the mask. Bones, pah!

There are two major long bones in the body, the humerous (upper arm) and the femur (thigh). I've seen both broken. Another motorcylcist had rearended a different motorcylcist on a major highway and went flying. There were pieces of his bike everywhere and inside the thick, skin glove of his person he had a tib-fib fracture (lower leg bones) and a humerous fracture. His bicep, a fit mans bicep, swelled to twice the size of normal, the skin streched painfully tight as blood and fluid congregated at the site of his humerous fracture. So easy to break!

Motorcyclists, sheesh. I've seen one with BOTH his femurs broken. And his pelvis. He was mushy from neck up and waist down, but his torso only had road rash. I'm used to thinking of the femur as a big bone. A tough bone. A really hard to break bone unless you hit it just right. This guy had both broken, and one sticking out like a broom handle, 2-3inches of bone exposed to the world. All I could think was, "Are you sure thats bone? It's so small!" There it was white on the outside, yellow and red ringed at the break. I could see the marrow. So small!

Bones. Bones are supposed to be the tough part of our body, and all they're protected by is easily torn muscle and paper thin skin. I think I'm going to invest in body armor. Trauma can be more devestating than illness, it claims the young and dumb in the prime of their drunken lives, as well as the innocents simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Accidents, assaults, falls, MVCs...trauma is random and indescriminate. And bones, those Brutus's of the body, so ready to snap when you need them most, tearing up your tender insides instead of shielding them from outside forces. I am wary of my bones.

Here I must end, or I'll be late for work....

P.S. Instead of making EMS workers more leery of death and truama, we tend to be rather cavelier about it all. Death is inevitable and trauma not always unavoidable, so why worry? Still, it's hard not to get a funny jolt in your stomach when you scrape someone off the pavement and realize how breakable you are...

Weekends

 First weekend Brian was gone my friends kept me thoroughly busy :) I spent the night at Kasia's house saturday night, lounging in her Walmart inflatable pool and playing with the kittens her cat had had recently. Sunday I spent at the beach, playing in the ocean and building a pretty impressive sandcastle with Sydney (the girl on top of Leslie). Fun stuff! Anyone want a kitten? There are two left and Kasia's getting desperate.

 The next weekend I worked, and the following I headed up to VA where I saw the last Harry Potter movie with my mother-in-law (so sad to see the end, I started Harry Potter in highschool...). I got caught up on the sisters-in-law gossip and then headed to the farm to visit Pop-pop. This is Remus being introduced to the cows. After tentative beginnings, he and this dun colored lady developed a firm friendship, she even headbutted the gate which Remus took as a sign to try and play with her. Cows are curious creatures.

Two generations solving the world's problems before dinner :) I got my fill of political discussion, fascinating, but my brain was definitely tired by the end of it.

FISHING!! Dad and I went down to the pond, caught a few off the dock, and then pushed the rowboat into the water for a lazy few hours on the water. We actually caught quite a few, it was a ton of fun. Remus, after some pitiful howling and running around the bank gave a heart rending "rooooorrroooooooo" and took off for the shade of the porch.

When dad and I made it back to Lillington (dad came down to drive back the Carolla) there was a mysterious package on my front porch. It was strange enough that the mailman had actually delivered the package (usually they stay clear of the porch due to Remus) it was even stranger when the address was from Texas but not from the LaVoies. WELL it was quite a wonderful surprise. Inside were goodies from texas and notes of encouragement from Rachel and her small group. I was very overwhelmed when I realized what it was, it was the best ending to a great weekend. Unfortunately, the salsa bottle had broken, but I managed to get most of it into a tupperware container for further sampling. It tasted spicy, yum! Remus was very cooperative in taking the picture, I think my mini-melt down when I opened the box had him very confused, haha.

My man :) This was taken after a day at the range. He sounds ok, bored mostly, we've already written over 30pages in emails. I miss him. 21days down!

Thats all for now! Visiting the GA cousins next :)

Picture Post of Pre-deployment! Part 2

 Brian's stuff ready to go! He sent over a giant box a week or so ago already. The bag in the back they call the "Dead Hooker Bag" because it's big enough to fit a person inside and has wheels atached for easy moving...I guess to dispose of all the dead hookers the army collects? It's REALLY heavy when packed though. The greenish vest thingie is Brian's R-BAV, which is basically his body armor. It has big metal chest and back plates and even comes with funky attachable neck and groin protection, but they look really weird and no one apparently uses them. I call it his Turtle Pack :)

 Cookie baking! I was extremely keyed up as Brian did his double checking to make sure he had everything he needed, so I decided to bake cookies for him to munch on on the flight. I made one batch of dough and then split the cookies between regular dark chocolate chip cookies and ones made with the white chocolate chips. The white ones are too sweet for me but Brian likes them. All the extra cookies Brian couldn't fit I ended up bringing to work where they were quickly devoured.

Turtle Cookie! Instead of telling Brian to be safe, I tell him to "Embrace the Turtle" (meaning, wear that turtle pack faithfully)

 

All ready to go. We had to leave the house around 1300 (1pm) to get to the appointed place for formation and weapons draw on time. He didn't end up boarding the bus until 2000 (8pm) due to a bunch of delays. We weren't allowed to follow the buses over to the Green Ramp where the flight was leaving. Apparently they used to allow families over there, but then one little boy managed to pull a fire alarm because he didn't want his dad to leave. SO now families say good bye at the buses.

Thats everything! I have pictures of a beach trip I can post the weekend after he left. I have great friends who kept me entertained that first weekend :)

Picture Post of Pre-deployment!

Leslie is the one on the right, Kasia is in the middle (the one from Poland). We went wandering downtown for lunch one day and actually ended up finding a Polish Pottery shop that was pretty kick butt and authenticity was varified by Kasia. I dragged Brian back there a few days later and he bought me a salt and pepper shaker set :)

Off to the Zoo! Brian had block leave for two weeks, the first half was taken up with a "mandatory jump" (yup, they were technically on leave and still had to come to work) and then visiting his family in VA, the second half was spent all over Fayetteville, Raleigh, and even to the Zoo! Definitely a good time, and surprisingly shady for the vast majority of the walking route to see all the animals.

YAY Giraffe! I took multiple pictures of the giraffes, but I'll refrain from posting them all here :)

The Polar Bear was one of Brian and I's favorites. He looks too cute all sprawled out in the shade. I actually donated a dollar and got a button to support the expansion of the polar bear enclosure. Apparently they have two male polar bears but not enough space for both of them.

Ocelot Kitten! There were two kittens and a mom, they were super cute. This one has just spotted his littermate ttying to sneak up on him. The drama took several minutes to unfold, but once the sneaker realized he'd been spotted he noncholantly pretended he wasn't doing anything suspicious, and the sneaked upon (kitten in the picture) went back to playing on his branch.

At the end of Brian's block leave we headed over ot the Vincent's for a family picnic. John and Rachel made the trip from Texas and Matthew was able to come before he started his adventure in Indiana. I baked and decorated the cake for the occasion and it turned out not too shabby :) 

First time I had really attempted the layered approach, the top actually says "Let's Celebrate!"

My super cute niece! Brian snagged this photo when I wasn't looking, but it turned out to be one of my favorites. She's so big!

I meant to post more but the computer is being flakey about uploading my pictures so I guess I'll have to do a "Part 2" at a later date :)

Visiting with Remus...

At home, with me, Remus is a fairly well behaved dog. He has his moments of rambunctiousness where he wants to play and throws his toys all over the place, or whines because we aren't paying enough attention to him, but usually all it takes is a sharp scold and a few basic commands and he resigns himself to being quiet and passes out on the floor.

However, when I take him anywhere else, he is beyond ADHD. He follows me everywhere if he can, whines and howls if he can't, is in a constant state of motion and even inside in the air condition he pants like his life depends on it. He refuses just to lay down and chill, even when I'm around. Too many new places/sites/sounds, he just can't cope. People don't believe me when I tell him he is usually super chill. Then the SECOND we pull into our driveway, Remus wearily gets out of the car, maybe pees, and then walks calmly into the house, sprawls out on the carpet, and passes out. He sleeps for several hours straight.

I spent the night at a friend's house last night and we went to the beach this morning. Remus spent the night too, but we left him at her house when we left for the beach. Remus barely slept. I know, because I kept him in the guest bedroom with me. At first he just kept circling the bed so he could pant in my face. Then he figured out that if he bumped the "touch" lamp with his nose it would turn on and force me to lean over and turn it off. When he finally figured out how to get ON the bed, he literally crawled on top of me. 130 lbs of dog is a considerable amount of weight. I shoved him off, and he seemed content with laying on my one leg, but he was still panting so hard the entire bed was shaking significantly. He did finally fall asleep for a few hours, but woke me up early in the morning by falling off the bed. Literally, he went to jump off and fell. I crawled over to look and he was laying on the floor looking very confused. Sigh.

When we came back after the beach, Remus was thrilled and still hyped up. Remus and I got home around 8pm and Remus is still passed out on the carpet. He was so tired that after following me around the house he finally gave up and walked to the kitchen to fall asleep. He willingly and on his own left me to go to the kitchen and fall asleep, even though the gate was wide open and I was still moving around! Seriously, that's pretty miraculous.

Point of the story, I am very thankful for the friends and family who put up with my doofus dog. I SWEAR he does not act like that at home. He is still asleep as I write this, sometimes he even dreams, yipping and twitching in his sleep. Maybe once we start working with a trainer he'll get better...

Thats all for now!

P.S. The beach was awesome :)

Obligation

I feel obligated to post something on here but I don't really have anything to post. I got to Skype with Brian briefly yesterday, which was fantastic but I don't think I'll have the same luck today. With bootcamp it was waiting impatiently for the mail, with deployment it's hovering impatiently around the computer.

I work again tonight and already have four days of overtime scheduled...

I'm really really really tired. I suppose it's from being in a state of semi anxiety-nervousness for 5 days, but in any case, I'm tired.

Remus has been allowed out of the kitchen into the living room much more frequently since Brian left, but the genius dog has managed to trap himself back inside the kitchen. He doesn't understand that if he pushes on his crate door it'll swing open and he can go wherever. I don't think I'm going to teach him, because right now it's convienient that he has no idea he's big enough to push through flimsy barriers.

Remus is kinda funny wandering around sniffing everything. He'll lay down at my feet for 10 seconds, then move his head and catch a scent in the carpet, then he'll stretch his neck and sniff as much as possible while still laying down, then he'll shuffle/belly crawl a little, then he'll finally get up and take off around the room sniffing as if his life depended on it. After a circuit or two he'll lay back down and the process repeats.

I'll post again when I have something more interesting to post. For now it's off to get ready for work.

Deployment

June finished up fantastically, the weekend family reunion-celebration bash at Rebecca and Nick's was a great success, but July didn't start out so well.

Brian was supposed to deploy July 16th. We found out July 2nd that he had to deploy July 6th. Yup, tomorrow he leaves on a midnight plane to Iraq, fun fun (So I guess technically it's the 7th since it's midnight, I don't really care). Now, I knew he was going to deploy, we'd both been planning over the past few months FOR said deployment, however the planning included this coming weekend (8-10th) and the subsequent week. To put it mildly, I was not happy when he got the text this past Saturday evening right before I left for work.

This post is rather scattered, but my brain has been pretty much scattered since Saturday. There are now several loose ends that will still be untied when Brian leaves. Brian has been packing and repacking in a semi-frenzy, they're scrambling to get his orders pushed through, we've been trying to line up everything that needs to be done before he leaves in a few days instead of almost two more weeks. And, again, I am not happy.

I wish Remus was smart enough to do service training and I'd insist on taking him everywhere when Brian leaves due to a resulting emotional handicap. Ugh. I could write a whole bunch of mushy crap on here, but really I'm just feeling very keyed up and unsettled. My appetite is close to nill, I've slept 5 hours and been awake for 48, and my senses are on over drive. It'll almost be a relief when Brian leaves in a weird way. The sooner he's gone, the sooner he'll be home.

In other EMS news, the fourth of July weekend wasn't horrible, but it was busy. A lot of drunks, which meant a lot of assaults, a few gunshot victims, at least one house on fire that I know of, multiple MVCs (Motor Vehicle Collisions)-more pedestrians struck and motorcycles than usual, a few overdoses, and like 12 dispatched Cardiac Arrests calls...maybe four of them were legit, several were 10-67, DRT, whatever you want to call it (obvious death-lividity, rigor has already set in) Two of the ones we got were very dumb false alarms. If someone has drunk large quantities of alcohol and passed out, please triple check to see if they're breathing and at least TRY to find a pulse before starting CPR. Dead drunk does not equal dead, stop jumping on their chest and let them sleep it off...

Also, if you live in a gated community, make sure your gate opens to a siren yelp because if not and you DO have a cardiac arrest, you're just gonna stay deader that much longer as EOC tries to call someone to get the code to let in the ambulance/firetruck. Basically only healthy people that never have accidents should live in gated communities whose gates don't open for emergency personnel (and most of them don't), otherwise you're just stupid. Seriously, those gated communities are first class death traps.

I think thats everything.