On the Bright Side...

SO, it's leap year, and to round out my misery in the evil month of February...I have...Strep Throat! Woohoo! Yeah. Just fantastic. I've never had strep as a child, my younger sister was the one chronically getting cotton swabs jabbed at her throat, my style was more emergency room type accidents. And yet, this common PEDIATRIC illness decides to show up when I'm 25 years old. What next, croup? This past weekend I was pretty grumpy about this, my throat seriously feels like someone is raking razors down the back of it and up into my ear canals, and at the same time I am choking on my uvula (little dangly thing at the back of your mouth) because it has swollen so much it is actually touching the back of my tongue. I went to the doctor today for my annual check up and the new PA was the one who saw me. I like this PA I've seen her before only once, but she's very easy to talk with and she's thorough with her assesments. The exam starts out great, Her: "Uh, you lost seven pounds since last month?" Me: "Yup. I'm not in uniform. I'm usually coming straight from work and what with my boots and pants full of stuff and jacket full of more stuff.." She just starts laughing. We get through the rest of the routine exam and I mention that I think I have Strep. She takes out the little light, flicks it on, I open my mouth and say AHHH and she goes, "Ooo!! This is the best case of Strep I've seen yet! I don't even have to swab it!" I just start laughing and she goes, "Seriously, you just made my day." The prescription for Amoxicillan just made mine.

On the bright side, if Strep had happened to me in any other month I would have been doubly annoyed, but since it happened in the accepted month of all that is frustrating I can't really get too upset. If I have to get random childhood illnesses, February is the month of choice.

Also on the bright side, my tulips are sprouting! Remus has destroyed the bulbs I planted around the tree in the front yard (and very nearly destroyed the tree in the process) and the fire ants have taken over the narrow bed in the backyard so I haven't weeded/touched it at all, however the two quarter circle beds framing the driveway are (now) weed free and tulip full! I hope they survive this wacky weather and there isn't a late frost or anything, I really hope they bloom. Most of them have sprouted, I didn't do a full count but one or two are either duds or late bloomers. A few of the bulbs have a double sprout so that'll be fun.

To continue on the bright side, you know that puzzle I was working on? The Picasso one? Well I finished it within the first week of February...except for one piece. Brian and I tore the house apart looking for this one piece and finally ordered a new one following the instructions on the box. Then the other day Brian found the piece and it was...you'll never guess...no, seriously...ON THE PUZZLE. Talk about hiding in plain sight, I swept my hands under the puzzle, I smoothed it out multiple times (but not systematically), we looked under the couches, between cushions, under the treadmill, in Remus's space (very furry), in the laundry hamper, in every jacket pocket, we were desperate! And it was perfectly set on the puzzle in one of the grey areas so it completely blended in. So glad that puzzle is finally done! Now to glue it...

There you have it, I firmly believe that happiness is at least partially a choice. And even though I grump and fuss and moan about this month (it really does have a pretty consistently horrible track record) it's important to, well, look on the bright side every once in awhile.

This and That

This post is not going to be very cohesive, I just don't seem to be very organizationally friendly at the moment, bear with me.

Brian liked the bargain radio/8track player/record player I bought, yay!

I LOVE browsing antique/estate stores. But I like it for the fun of sifting through all that junk, I do NOT like it as a social activity like shopping at the mall with friends. Interpretation? No small talk while I'm sorting, silence is golden, I am in serious junk shifting mode. I think I prefer to do this type of shopping alone, as crazy as that may seem, or at least with people who don't mind when I blatently ignore them to sort through a box of old toys.

As much as I like old junk, I still can't stand GOING to yardsales. Hosting them? Fun. Going? Too much of a hassle. Maybe a really really really super big one.

Remus is spoiled rotten at the in-laws, they let him sleep on the love seat at night. I woke up and found him with his chin on the arm rest, tail thumping the cushions completly content. A sheet had been wrapped around the cushions to protect from his shedding.

I have a TON of creative ideas I want to do, it's like I'm on a creativity high. The other day I actually broke out my sketch pad. Weird!

There is a post I want to write about but the content may be...disturbing? I find writing helps process events which is why I want to write it out, but it seemed a little dark for February, February is depressing enough. So, for now, I'm contenting myself with painting about it.

Next big purchase I want? A Serger. I am VERY tired of double stitching or doing french seams and STILL having the final seam look either too bulky or completely unprofessional. I know, nobody sees the seam but me, but it bugs me AND it's time consuming.

I did an asymetrical, sideways-esque french braid the other day that turned out super cool and it was completely by accident. No, seriously, I was standing in front of the mirror and the braid style I was attempting was just not working and I was tired and irritable and grumpy. Brian brought me some hot cider and told me I was beautiful anyway. Didn't help my grumpyness so in frustation I literally just grabbed a chunk of hair around my left temple and started french braiding. The finished product wrapped like a shallow C and ended behind my L ear. I didn't make a part, I barely combed the braid as I was doing it, but it ended up looking kinda pretty. I definitely have plans to tidy it up a bit for next time, but I'm adding it to my repetoire :)

Guess thats enough for now, anyone else in the midst of creative projects?

People Colors!

With the whole synesthasia thing I associate people with colors. Except I'm not sure it's really synesthasia. The synesthasia really comes into play with numbers being certain colors-and personalities, same for letters, and also certain words. I actually feel like I have ordinal linguistic personification, moreso than grapheme color synesthasia. Not that I don't associate words, letters, numbers with colors, but that the feelings and personalities they evoke are usually much stronger. And my automatic and persistent feelings towards certain things (days of the week, months of the year, intersections or roads, places, names) just because of the personalities they evoke often influence my mood or perception, sometimes I catch myself and try to override it but it's tough.

So, the people color thing. Is that really synesthasia? Or is it my subconscious assigning colors (which have personalities) to match human personalities? For one thing, it isn't instantaneous, and that seems to be a key ingredient in synesthasia (the evoking personalities is definitely instant. The first time I went through the Main st./George Owen intersection I became uneasy and a bit freaked out. I don't like that intersection. It's creepy. Like a rich old guy, blackmailing teenage girls to have sex with him. That kind of creepy/disturbing. It still bothers me driving through it). Strangers I meet are all kind of a bland mustard yellow grey color, kinda hazy, sometimes colors will tint the haze during conversations or whatnot, but at some point, and I have no idea when it is, their color becomes distinct and permenant. And I can't get rid of it. It's like, when I have memories, or even think about people, in my mind they always have that color kindof tinting or outlining them. I don't project it onto them when I see them, it's always just in my head. And when I see that color, it often brings that person to mind. It's like my mind automatically instegrams memories in my head, but instead of old-timey ocher it's tinged with that person's color. Some people are quicker to be colors than others, and some colors are way more intense and almost overwhelming.

Now, the point of the post is-it is John LaVoie's birthday today and a few days ago on the ambulance I saw his color. His color has bothered me because it hadn't settled. Now, granted, he's the second newest addition to the family (sorry Emma, gotta grow up a bit, right now you're a rose and gold and peaches kindof color mess) and I don't know him as well as I know everyone else, and colors seem to take longer to settle on guys than girls (because I have a harder time relating because I'm a girl??) but he's family and I felt like I was being somehow rude not having a color for him. Now, I didn't want to over thinkit and assign him a color, because that doesnt work, so I've basically tried to ignore his hazy, swirling, mess of indistinc colors when ever I think about him and Rachel. I knew it was a darker color (He is defintely not a yellow) and that was it.

And the color is...Indigo! Or at least, what I always imagined Indigo to be, which is a deep dark blue with just a hint of violety pigment. It's a dense color (as in impenetrable, not as in dumb), not flashy-but intense, whimsical on the edges and sometimes lonely. I like Indigo, I think it's crap that they took it out of the rainbow. I saw it in the sky, by the way, it was a very blue night. You know, sometimes night is black-grey, and other times a brown dirtyish black, and sometimes really purple black, and that night I was driving the ambulance and boy the sky was blue for that time of night! And I immediately thought of John, and beach vacation and him in front of the refridgerator putting something on the table and there you have it.

source

His color is more at the top than the bottom.

Happy Birthday John!

Seriously, is this just all in my head? I mean, I KNOW it's in my head, but did I just wake up one day as a kid and thought it would be a cool game to play and kinda kept doing it and forgot it was a game? Is it pseudo-synesthasiatic (synesthasiatic, is that a word? synesthasiesque?). Or would I just be really good at basic interview questions (If you were a color, what would you be? "Well, ma'am, I hope to be a purple or maybe a light blue, I really don't want to be fuschia...You seem like an orange woman...)

Faith in EMS

Some times I get frustrated with the ridiculous amount of empathy I feel for people. I hid behind sarcasm and literal distance, preferring to deal with my own moods instead of constantly trying to navigate and appease others...and I cry in my car in my driveway at the end of shift. Empathy as a paramedic is useful, but I feel it can also be crippling. I have a hard time brushing off the patients we transport, especially those who die or we find dead. Some are worse than others and from some I have a much easier time distancing myself. Although I always feel sympathetic for the families, it is harder to feel sympathetic for the 40 yo F who strokes out due to constant cocaine use, leaving multiple children who are malnourished and barefoot to be picked up by other family members. It's hard to feel sympathetic for patients who abuse the 911 system on a regular basis. It's hard to feel sympathetic for the drunk who swerved out of control off the road and hit a tree-hitting a 5 year old child in the process. There are people I have picked up and I am absolutely amazed by how much they repulse me, I wonder how they could ever have let themselves get to the state they are in, and how they can continue when help-medical and mental- is offered to them free of charge and repeatedly. I get so angry at how selfish they are, what a burden to everyone else, and how they just don't seem to care. It's a helpless, frustrating, useless anger because there is literally nothing I can do, and I spend a lot of time in angry confused prayer trying to resolve my own pointless frustration with these people.

A few nights ago I was reading in Romans, and I came upon one of the famous Awana Verses Chapter 5, vs. 8. "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." It was the verses before this one though, that really made me stop to think. Starting in vs 6, "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die--but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I thought of all those crackaddicts and chronic alcoholics, abusive moms, abusive spouses-some I know by name-those people we pick up that are so extremely disgusting, and realized that to God THAT was us. I know it's been taught and preached (praught?) a bazillion times, but for me it was an eye opener, and some how, I don't feel quite as angry at all those miserable, selfish people I transport. My anger dissappeared, I was abashed, ashamed, and extremely grateful. Now, I still get frustrated with some patients, but these verses bring me up short. I may not understand God's purpose, I may not be able to help those that many in this system deem "worthless", and feeling anger at the harm they inflict on others is ok, but if God can love me when I was that absolutely foul and revolting-riddled with sin, then I have absolutely no room to hate these other humans. I may not be at the point yet where I can love them, I may not be at the point where I would die for them, but I can at least keep my temper in check because ultimately it's between them and God, and I have no right to be self righteous.

Just some thoughts that have kept bouncing around in my head. I've gotta keep working on seperating the sin from the sinner...

It's OK Thursday...Remus's perspective

I saw this on my cousin's page (cousin-in-law I guess technically, but thats a pain to type all the time) and I figured I'd link up and give it a try. Though to give it a spin appropriate to my blog, I'm channeling Remus for this "It's OK Thursday".

IT'S OK (if you're Remus)...

...to dig holes in the front yard. Digging is fun! Bugs are fun! Puddles are fun!

...to eat rocks...except that one...this one's OK though!...nope...This one's ok!...

...to stick my nose up people butts. Such interesting smells! Wish they wouldn't jump so much...

...that my farts are probably killing brain cells, I don't have many brain cells to kill so I'm safe.

...that I fling my bone on kitchen counters, as long as it falls off again.

...to bark at the neighbors. It's more than OK, it is absolutely necessary!

...that I pee like a girl still.

...to run in circles when I'm excited.

...to make the car shake when I pant.

...to make funny noises when I'm bored and roll around on the kitchen floor.

...to stand on my owner's foot, how else can I get her to scratch my ears?

...to help eat any and all left over cheese when my owner is cooking, even if I have to sneak it off the counter.

...that I walk when I poop. Too many interesting smell on the ground, no time for potty breaks! I'm that hardcore.

...to sleep for 14-15 hours in a 24 hour period...or mayb 16...or 17...who's counting?

...to dribble my food all over the carpet when I eat, I'm saving it for when my owner forgets to feed me....wait...she only ever seems to forget when the floor is a mess...weird!

And to end the list, something that is definitely NOT OK no matter what day of the week: Vacuum Cleaners! Those things will destroy you! Best to stay in your crate and whimper continuously.

February Highlights

I know, it's only the 6th of Februray so I'm being a little preemptive posting highlights, but a positive attitude goes a long way in general mood improvement and my general mood in February is whiney, grumpy, and irritable. I could use some improvement.

I won't go into great detail about why I hate February so much, some of it is ingrained and instinctual, some of it is the weather, and at this point, some of it is habit. However, good things do happen in February-namely, I have a lot of friends born in this month.  So here are some good things in and about February:

I have five birthdays to celebrate (Including both my brother-in-laws)

It is the shortest month of the year, technically, even if it does seem to take forever.

It's color is purple and I do like purple.

It's a great month for prayer and meditation. Albeit, some of the prayer is excessively whiney, but every year February is the month I spend the most time in scripture. I really need to extend this more consistently into the other months.

I don't have to shave my legs.

Tax returns

And this year specifically, February is a good month because I've been able to work crisis pay and we need that money.

The thing that has really made my February this year, however, is something I can't post about in great detail yet because in the process of drawing it out to get the most enjoyment I am trying to keep quiet about it until Brian gets home. It's not really THAT big of a deal, and most people will probably be like "uh...ok...and you're so excited why?" But I think it is pretty darn awesome, awesome enough to at least momentarily banish my normal February grumps.

In other news, the outside edge of the Picasso puzzle is finally complete. I only have fifty ish pieces to put in place and I am DONE with that monochromatic nightmare. Though, honestly, it isn't truly monochromatic. There are at least two places where there is a tiny, but distinct, purple line in the painting.Thats right- black, white, grey and purple. The perfet February puzzle.

Awards! :)

I got nominated by my far-better-at-this-blogging-thing-than-I-am sister at Friffle Thoughts, thank you thank you! It covers a wide variety of, well, friffles about life in general. The Monday Meditations are one of my favorite parts. Who doesn't need a little Meditation on Mondays?


Here's how the award works:
1) Thank the award-giver and link them back in your post.
2) Tell your readers seven (7) things about yourself.
3) Give this award to up to fifteen (15) recently discovered bloggers.
4) Contact those bloggers and let them in on the exciting news.

Here is a random assortment of seven things about myself.
1 - I actually really love being a paramedic, I know I rant about it a lot, but thats because it's hard to talk about the good stories without violating HIPPA.
2 - I like guns and knives and weapons of all kinda, but I'm horrible at remembering makes/models/or any technical stuff about them.
3 - I could eat my weight in bread, pasta, and cheese. Now that I think about it, most of my weight probably is bread, pasta, and cheese. (Keeping your answer Rebecca, it's probably true of our entire family)
4 - I am habitually untidy and my husband is obssessive compulsive about vacuuming. Patience works both ways.
5 - I don't like most romantic comedies because of the "awkwardness". You know what I'm talking about, those scenes most people find immensly hilarious as feet are inserted into mouths, clothing malfunctions, or other equally emberrassing things happen. I literally can't watch them. I even fast forward through the one "party" in Pride and Prejiduce where Elizabeth's family acts so disgracefully.
6 - I hate the month of February, my favorite day is Tuesday
7 - I get lost all the time. Not just driving, I can get disoriented in the mall without trying, shoot I can get disoriented in a department store! It has mostly ceased to bother me and I simply wander around until I find the way out or ask for directions.

Recently Discovered Bloggers.
1. Reading Today Seriously fun blog, all about words, reading, language, etc. in today's world. Ok so it's my sister's other blog, what can I say? She really is a lot better at this than I am, haha
2. Life In These Times Ok, not a recently discovered blog, and she's already received this award, but I love reading her posts anyway so if anyone besides her and my sister read this, they should definitely check her blog out :)

....yeah, I don't have any other blogs I follow. Sorry...