Performance Anxiety

I've mentioned before that my current permenant partner on the ambulance has gastrointestinal issues resulting in varied -and frequent- sounds and smells. He has farts that last 30 seconds in duration and I swear make the ambulance vibrate. Ever make fart noises on you arm or with your hands and sometimes think they were completely unrealistic? They aren't. Sometimes he farts and I wonder where the lightening has struck.

The smells are no less incredible or varied then the sounds. My appreciation of the different types of gas the human body can produce has expanded rapidly (haha, expanded...gas jokes). Some of the smells are sharp but dissipate rapidly, while others are almost cloying and as he succinctly puts it, "they get stuck in my pants." He can fart outside the ambulance, climb inside, and the fart follows him. Crop dusting is not his strong suit.

Why all this talk about farts? Because everyone does it, and usually I take the crop dusting approach and sneak a little relief walking from the ambulance to the residence (as long as noone is close by) but lately I find I can't even do that. As I was driving home after work yesterday morning and seemed unusually gassy I realized I hadn't farted once since getting to work. Looking back I realized I have been holding my gas at work subconsciously and I think it's at least partially due to performance anxiety. Not only are my farts usually silent, but the deadliest of smells I can produce would rate an "eh" on the Chuck scale. How embarrassing would it be to say "that was me" and get the response of "what?". I explained this to him and he started laughing but then acknowledged that there is truth in my assessment because in the predominently male world of fart competiton, those who knew him would stop farting in his presence.

The only being I know who I think could take him in a smelliest fart competition...is Remus. Not only has Remus driven me from the room with potency and duration of lingering, but if Chuck farted at Remus, Remus would probably enjoy it.

Seven Deadly Sins

Wrath, pride, lust, envy, sloth, greed, and gluttony. I always forget at least one when I try to list them, usually envy or greed, two sins I don't seem to struggle with as much. Or maybe thats just pride speaking. I was working on the puzzle the other day and randomly started contemplating the sins and wondering of which one I was the worst offender. I believe people are more predisposed towards some sins over others-due to nature or nurture or really a combination of both- and although I've participated in all of the sins at some point or the other, I wanted to see if I could narrow it down to the one I engaged in the most.

Believe me, I'm not proud of being a sinner, but narrowing down where I was most susceptible to temptation seemed like a good idea...or is that pride speaking? I definitely struggle with pride, it makes the top three without a doubt. I'm not a very confident person, but I loathe being wrong. My motivation for doing the right thing is often a function of me detesting apologies. Definitely not always the right motive, and God looks on the heart, eek.

Wrath is also in the top three. I have a temper that is irrational and explosive. Its like I have a perpetual pot of simmering anger on the backburner, and if I'm in a bad mood anything can trigger it. I hold grudges, I have a hard time letting go even after a matter has been "resolved." My temper has improved outwardly with much prayer, introspection, and leaving the room before I say anything stupid, but I still find myself brooding over situations that make me angry and lashing out in complete overreactions at times. Yes, anger makes the top three.

Greed and envy, like I said earlier, I've never really had much of a problem with. Oh yes, I've been greedy and envious before, but like a headcold compared to the chronic bronchitis of anger and pride.

Lust, eh, I don't really know. I've had my moments I suppose, but I never could develop crushes on movie stars or play out fantasies in my head. Maybe its the medical profession but naked bodies are naked bodies, I guess it just doesnt bother me.

Gluttony? I dont think so. I mean, I like food and all, and luxuries, but they aren't really that important. I mean yes, I have to eat, but the only foods I really gorge myself on are beef stroganoff and mac and cheese. And I can live without luxuries and be happy no problem.

That leaves sloth. Oh sloth. To me this is probably the most embarrasing sin to admit to. I mean, anger and pride-youre almost expected to admit to those, and who doesn't get jealous on occasion or want more money? Lust, in today's culture, is expected. And in the christian world it's almost drilled into you the moment you start going to youth group. Gluttony? Come on, I feel left out because I can't join weight watchers with the rest of America. But sloth? Go to the ant though sluggard! Lazyness is despised in every culture I've ever heard of, being a hard worker is important. Even people renowned for "chill"ness- like chronic potheads- can point out the laziest member of their group with just a touch of disdain. And this, if I'm honest with myself, is my worst deadly sin. I can laze a day, a week, a month away without a problem. I hold my bladder for hours because I dont want the hassle of going to the bathroom, I procrastinate everything, I make excuses in my head for why I shouldn't/don't have to do certain things-at least not right then, on my days off I usually dont even bother getting dressed. I can sleep 8-10hours without a problem, then get up and nap on the couch. I LOVE sleep. Snuggling up under the covers, burrowing into my pillows, savoring the lovely feeling of doing nothing...yes, sloth is definitely a problem. I need encouragement or admonishment to get anything accomplished. Good thing I married an organized, internally motivated man or I'd still be contemplating filling out job applications instead of going to school to be a paramedic and working as such for almost two years. If it weren't for pride and the constant accountability of family and friends, Id be as slothful as a, well, sloth.

So, thank you family and friends, for keeping me from turning into a three toed hairy moster with algea growing on me. I work on combating my lazyness-some days are better than others- but it is a tough battle and impossible without knowing that if I sat around and did nothing it would eventually expose my utter slothfullness to the world and my pride can't take that.

P.S. To "Quick Note"

What an ambulance can do for you:

If you are truly having an emergency, a medic crew can provide life saving interventions. We carry meds like epinephrine, nitro, adenosine, cardizem... We have CPAP, we can start IVs, IOs, needle decompress, cardiovert, defibrillate....

If you have a sinus infection....we can give you a piece of guaze to blow your nose (we dont even carry tissues)

If you sprained something-we have icepacks

If you have a headache-we have childrens ibuprofen

If your nauseated, we may offer you a shot in the butt of zofran.

If we just sit and talk with you the entire trip to the hospital, you are either a psych patient, a homeless person who wants a warm place to sleep, or a worthless pansy.

An ambulance DOES NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT get you seen faster. I will put you out in the waiting room and you will wait just as long.

An ambulance ride DOES cost an arm and a leg, and if it is non-emergent medicare/medicaid and most other major insurance companies will NOT cover it.

Brian's in PSYOP, maybe I can get him to print this in a pamphlet and we can air drop thousands of them on Fayetteville....

Quick note....

If you can't afford to get your prescription filled, how are you going to afford the ambulance ride? Oh, thats right, you don't ever plan on paying.

If you are having a true emergency, I don't mind in the slightest.
If you seriously have no other means of transport or enough immediate cash for a taxi, I sympathize.
If you have a cold, six cars in your driveway, and at LEAST one other adult with a valid drivers license (who then follows behind or wants to ride up front), I resent you, a lot. It is hard to think well of humanity when THAT is over 50% of our calls.

How to break an addiction...

Develop an overriding addiction! Works like a charm. No, seriously, it does. Brian left Friday early morning to visit his family in Lynchburg, leaving me holding down the fort here in NC while I work all weekend. You'd think we'd both be better at short periods of seperation buuuuut, no, we're not. The morning started grumpy enough, I headed to bed around 2am (my eyes finally giving out on me after too much puzzling) and Brian woke up at 4am to get ready to leave only to discover that the power was out. Yup, and remained out for approx four hours. He left me with a flash light, extra blankets (it gets chilly quick with no heat!) and both of us disgruntled. Anywho, enough back story. Suffice it to say, when Brian isn't around I feel disinclined to do anything. Be it get out of bed, shower, do the dishes, even feeding myself all kinda falls to the wayside.

I do manage to get out of bed and shower, but instead of bothering to wash a few dishes and make myself a substantial dinner, I throw in a hot pocket and search for something to entertain myself. The puzzle is beckoning, but at this point my back is almost seizing when I try to get up in the morning and it hurts to bend my knees. Even though it's painful, the lure of it almost overwhelms me until I remember one of my New Years Resolutions to read 30 books I haven't read yet and I march myself grimly over to the bookshelves in Brian's room, determined to ignore the puzzle. My eyes fall on the hardcover box set of "The Hunger Games" trilogy. Books Brian read on his Kindle while in Iraq. I pull out the first one, remove the dust cover, grab my hot pocket, and start an addiction more consuming than the puzzle.

From Friday afternoon when I woke up to this past Sunday morning around 1am I read all three Hunger Games books in my spare time. I dreamt about the hunger games when I went to sleep Saturday morning, so restless and delusional I remember partially waking up at one point to yank out my pony tail and I fuzzily slip the pony band around my wrist (something I LOATHE having on my wrist when I'm trying to sleep) because I adamantly think I may be able to use the elastic as a snare in the Games. I wake up with it on my wrist and it takes me a few seconds to realize how foggy I was on reality.

These books were very engaging. Consuming. Addicting. Irksome, really. Maybe I was just in the perfect frame of mind for the story to take hold, but I was literally getting upset at running calls because I wanted to keep reading. I recommend these books. They made me want to punch things. They were really good.

I haven't puzzled at all since picking up the first book. Not even when I came home this morning. The books are still tumbling through my mind, and what happens with any emotionally engaging (read: exhausting) book, it'll take a bit before I can calm my thoughts down and go back to focusing on something else.

Read the books.

Also, if you're addicted to something and need a break, try another-finite-addiction. May not be the ultimate cure, but it was a pretty darn good distraction.

Puzzling

source

THIS is what has occupied all of my time since coming home from the beach. Brian thought this was a cool puzzle. Brian thought this would be a neat puzzle to complete, glue together and frame. Brian thought it would be a good idea to break out said puzzle after we got back from the beach. Guess what Brian's been doing since the puzzle has been opened?

Yeah....The most help I've gotten from him was at the very beginning. He picked up a piece, stared at it for awhile, and promptly told me it was broken.

The reviews of this puzzle on Amazon were likewise useful. The first one is an example of a review that I at first thought was stating the obvious and I couldn't understand how it would be helpful. However, I then read the second review and realized if the second lady had actually read the first review, it could've saved her some considerable brain cells, and judging by HER review-she doesn't have a lot to spare on puzzles. The third review is probably the most helpful.

This is most certainly an expert level puzzle, and requires the most patience of any puzzle I have seen to this point. Shades of gray and hundreds of solid black pieces add to the difficulty in addition to the obvious large number of pieces. --OK, I thought this stated the obvious, but thanks for the warning.

I must say it was VERY challenging because there are only 3 colors: white, black & gray. (Um, yes, there are only three colors, thank you for listing them since I couldn't figure that out by looking at the PICTURE) You'd think that'd make it easy, but no, maybe if it were a 1000 piece puzzle yeah. (???? NO I would NOT think fewer colors would make a puzzle easier. Seriously lady? Why don't you try one of those "all white" puzzles, I bet they'd be SUPER easy because there is only ONE color. And it's white, in case you couldn't figure it out by looking at the box.)

This one is a tuffy. ...Really? A 3000 piece monochromatic puzzle of a painting by Picasso? I thought it'd be a breeze...

So yes, I've been puzzling. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to it. Saturday night I stayed up puzzling till 5 am and thought Brian was lying to me when he told me what time it was. I stood up and literally could not walk because my knees had SWOLLEN from staying bent for that long. The puzzle is on the floor, it is too big for the coffee table we own (which is currently in the garage anyway), it doesn't even fit the puzzle mat we have, I had to use an additional one to get all the pieces to fit.

...And this is all I've managed to accomplish. I can't even get the border completed yet because, just to make it even MORE fun, multiple pieces fit with multiple other pieces. So sorting out the minute differences in shades of black edge pieces just hasn't been a priority for me.

Honestly, I really do like puzzles and this one is actually kind of a fun challange, not to mention a neat way to examine Picasso's work. I've liked Picasso since I first started art classes and the closer you study this picture the more it seems utterly bizzare and yet some how makes sense. I'm also a decent puzzler-I've been addicted to them for years-so I can actually look at a piece, examine the picture on the box, and then place it in the area it should go (at least for the pieces that aren't just a solid color). I used to think looking at the box while puzzling was cheating, but there is no way I could complete this puzzle otherwise. So hopefully in six months or so I'll be posting a picture of the complete project on here. Also, hopefully, my knees will still work.

Internet

I'm attempting to post from my phone. If the auto correct doesn't make me chuck it out the window this may be the new way for me to post. I have the most "down time" in between calls at work and now that I've upgraded my phone to at least eighth grade level smart I might be able to make this work.

So, I apologize again for my slackerishness with this blog, Ill continue to try and improve my consistency. What I've wanted to post for the past few weeks is a look at bad street names. It started when my partner and I were dispatched to a call in a lower income neighborhood on "Tuckahoe Dr". It was late, I immediately said, "Where the prostitutes are fun sized. Just tuck a ho in your pocket." It went downhill from there, but it got me thinking about odd street names, especially in this area. "Hotdog Ln" caught my attention when I first started working here, as well as the two side by side trailer parks-one all saltwater fish names, the other all fresh water fish names and no connecting street. If you guessed your fish street was saltwater and it was freshwater, you had to turn around and drive all the way out and enter the other park. Fun times. Now fish are ok, but who wants to live on "Bimbo Dr" ? All time worst street name so far, hands down, is "Hyannis St" pronounced in this area, I kid you not, "Hi Anus". I'll keep you posted on other interesting street names in the area, for now, its off to another call.

Excuses, excuses

I haven't posted in awhile, sorry.

I have, however, gotten packed and rearranged for the beach in between work, vet appointments, gift card shopping, and scrapbooking like a mad woman to try and get caught up on the year.

I also worked 14 hours of overtime in the ER on thursday. So, I worked monday night, tuesday night (can I just say "tuesnight?") got off wednesday morning, then worked 14 hours on thursday (10am to midnight) then frinight, saturnight, sunnight, got off monday morning and headed straight to the beach.

I do have pictures and stories and cohesive blog stuff to write about. I am, however, a wee bit short on time. Since I'm on vacation and am currently borrowing Rebecca's computer, I probably won't have any update time untill I'm back home. So, uh, BRB? In...a week? K, thanks